The Hawks Chapter 11
The Two Sunhawks
Sunhawk awoke at the sound of men
talking and the stamping of horse hooves. He rubbed his blurry eyes, to
wake up. Rolling off the bed he looked down at himself in disgust,
realizing he hadn’t cleaned up. Looking around he realized he had made it
to his tent, but it wasn’t until he looked down next to the bed that he
found Shadow. His eyes widened in shock as he knelt down next to the blood
covered boy. Quickly standing, he went outside the tent and ordered a
nearby solider to get Kelas before running back inside.
The boy
seemed to be unconscious, but what bothered Sunhawk was the torn bloody
clothes the hung on him. He remembered very little after they started to
clear out the east side of the city. He wasn’t surprised, since he very
seldom remembered much of any battle or slaughter, such as Soothbay had
become after most of the soldiers had been cleared out. Although his mind
couldn’t remember the actual events,he knew with certainty he had to be
responsible for the torn clothes on Shadow. Closing his eyes to the
thought he backed away, frightened for the second time in his life of his
own actions.
"What the hell is it Sunhawk. I just got to bed and. .
. " Kelas stopped as he looked at the boy on the floor and the frightened
expression on the large man’s face.
"Argoth’s sword Sunhawk, you
didn’t? Why the fuck did you come back so soon?!" Kelas shouted as he
quickly knelt by Shadow.
Kelas quickly went over Shadow’s body
examining him, anger apparent in every line of his body. The healer turned
to look at Sunhawk, surprised to see tears streaming down large man’s
face.
"Is that for you or Shadow?" Kelas asked bitterly.
"Is
he ok? Kelas please," came Sunhawk’s shaky voice.
"Physically yes,
you didn’t even tear him, thank Mith. Mentally, who the seven hells knows.
You raped him Sunhawk, this couldn’t have been consensual. The boy was
practically dead when he came here. He worked in the healer’s tent for
over twenty- four hours on top of healing Ariel.,"
"Ariel?" Sunhawk
questioned.
"He took a full force blow to the gut. Shadow saved
him. Shadow was raped before Sunhawk, but you are different. He trusted
you, loved you, and gave up his life at a temple for you and you alone. He
might not recover this time. Hells, he might not even wake up, between his
exhaustion brought on by using his powers and the mental strain of what
has happened," Kelas said in frustration.
"Kelas, there has to be
something.,"
"I don’t know, Sunhawk."
Kelas leaned over and
wrapped Shadow in a blanket before picking him up. Shocked at how little
the boy really weighed..
"Where are you going with him?" Sunhawk
asked, moving to stop Kelas.
"Back to my tent," Kelas said firmly,
glaring at Sunhawk.
"But he belongs here if there is nothing you
can do for him," Sunhawk said.
"No, he doesn’t belong here
anymore, at least not right now. When he wakes up that will be his
decision. Don’t push it Sunhawk, you know the penalty for rape of a fellow
Hawk. I don’t know what they would do, since you are the Captain, but
Shadow is well liked, not just among the healers. Besides, you aren’t
capable of taking care of him right now. Ariel is out of commission for a
couple of days, you have work to do. So do it!" Kelas said, stepping
passed Sunhawk and out of the tent.
Sunhawk stood staring at the
tent flap that Kelas had disappeared out of . He didn’t know what to do.
His mind was in turmoil, along with his emotions. He couldn’t take back
his actions, or even stop being who he was. From the first moment Shadow
had entered his life Sunhawk had feared something like this might happen.
Sunhawk knew what he was, even if he couldn’t remember his actions, but
for the first time in his life he regretted the cruel man he became when
he spilled blood.
He couldn’t even remembering raping Shadow, but
that didn’t make it not happen. Sunhawk didn’t know why he hadn’t stayed
away from the camp until the battle anger cooled from him, and for the
first time in his life he regretted the loss of memories.
Feeling the
hot tears slide down his blood streaked face Sunhawk realized that for the
rest of his life he would have to live with the fact that he had
permanently scared the one person who had truly ever loved him.
"Sunhawk no!"
screamed Shadow as he struggled in to wakefulness.
Kelas awoke with
a start from his place on the floor and jumped up. Looking down he saw
that Shadow had curled himself up into a tight ball on the bed and was
sobbing. Slowly he moved to the bed and perched on the edge. He stroked
the boy’s back, making soothing sounds, knowing right at the moment Shadow
would not truly hear any of his words. He felt Shadow’s slight frame
tremble and couldn’t help but want to do some serious damage to his friend
and Captain.
After what seemed like hours Shadow sobs subsided and
he slipped into a normal sleep. Kelas, red-eyed with exhaustion, covered
the boy back up, glad that the boy had awakened. He was sure now that the
young priest was only sleeping and would awaken after his body had fully
rested. Although Kelas knew even with rest Shadow’s mind wouldn’t recover
so easily. Yawning, he lay down on his blankets on the floor, but despite
his tiredness couldn’t get to sleep.
Shadow and Sunhawk worried
him, and he was unsure of what to do. He was so angry at the large
mercenary captain he didn’t even want to understand the man. He knew
Sunhawk was brutal in battle, but he knew the man also was good friend and
he had become what seemed a compassionate lover. Sunhawk had raped his
fair share of people being an mercenary, although to be fair Sunhawk often
turned to the many camp followers that trailed behind the Hawks. Still,
Kelas could hardly believe the man would rape anyone he truly cared about,
especially Shadow. Sunhawk had always been very careful of keeping himself
away from his friends until his rage had cooled and he must have known it
would be a bad idea to come anywhere close to the boy.
Turning,
trying to find a better position for sleep, his mind continued to work.
Kelas knew he was out of his depth with Shadow. He wasn’t a mind healer,
and he had very little experience dealing with rape victims. Slaves were
always sold in the Hawks and the penalty for rape of a fellow Hawk’s
member, or even a camp follower, was at the very least a public whipping
and dismissal from the Hawks. Sunhawk had always believed that members of
the Hawks were family, and you didn’t rape your own. There had only been
one rape since Kelas had joined the Hawks, and at the time Corrin, the
head healer, had taken care of the victim. Kelas had only newly joined was
considered a junior healer, and had little contact with the victim. Kelas
greatly wished that Corrin was here instead of him. The old man had a way
of soothing a person’s mind that was uncanny. Not only that, but the bond
that had formed between Shadow and the wizened old man was deep.
Giving up on trying to sleep Kelas slipped out of the tent quietly
sure, that Shadow would sleep for many hours before awakening. It was
barely midday and Kelas realized he had slept less than three hours in the
last two days. Making his way to the mess area he ran into Marissa heading
in the same direction.
"Hey, Kelas whatcha doing up? Didn’t you
just fall into bed this morning?" Marissa asked, walking up to man, her
braided chestnut hair swinging. "Shit, you look like hell."
"Yeah,
I have had better days," Kelas said wearily
."What’s going on
Kelas?"
"I don’t know if I should say," Kelas said hesitantly,
looking away from the woman.
"It looks like something’s gnawing at
you. I can always listen," Marissa said.
Marissa looked at the
hesitating man for moment before throwing an arm around his shoulders.
"Come on Kelas lets go to my tent. Garth is out lecturing some of
his men and won’t be back for a while," Marrisa said, steering Kelas away
from the mess area.
Kelas let the woman lead him to her tent and
sat down on a wobbly stool next to the bed.
"You know Marrisa,
that herb I gave you for pregnancy is a hundred percent?" Kelas said as he
looked at the woman leaning back on her hands as she sat on the
cot.
"Yeah, Garth knows too, and we both like each other a lot, but
neither one of us wants to give up the Merc life yet. This is the
compromise. If I do get pregnant, then I will just have to decide what is
more important to me then, so will Garth," Marissa said with a shrug. "
Come on, stop stalling Kelas. The sooner you spit it out the better you
will feel.”
"I don’t think talking about it is really going to make
me feel better Marissa," Kelas said, shaking his head. "It’s about Sunhawk
and Shadow. Sunhawk came back last night and raped Shadow."
"Damn,
I knew something was up with Sunhawk," Marissa said, her chestnut eyes
widening in surprise at Kelas’s news.
"What do you
mean?"
"He was drinking heavily with Casper. At first Casper was a
scared shitless of Sunhawk, you know how the Captain is after a battle.
Well the idiot started really getting drunk and started going off about
Shadow. You know Casper, he is as straight as an arrow and dislikes anyone
that isn’t, although he does put up a good front around people he has to
work with. On top of that he really is a cold bastard; whores and raping
is all he knows. So you can imagine what was being said. Sunhawk just sat
there expressionless and almost dead like. I figured eventually he lay
Casper out," Marissa said.
"I wondered, but I can’t believe
Sunhawk would do that to Shadow, despite Casper,." Kelas said with a
sigh.
"I can."
"What? Marissa, Sunhawk has acted like he
truly loves the boy," Kelas said, surprised.
"He does. Right now I
really wouldn’t want to see him, he is probably tearing himself apart, but
that doesn’t change the fact that he is a cold-blooded killer. Soothbay
was a slaughter Kelas, Rathgar tricked Sunhawk good. We all expected to
take slaves, but Rathgar ordered the city cleared totally. There isn’t
anything moving in there except ghosts now." Marrisa said
softly.
"It’s just like the Sin campaign," Kelas
murmured.
"I haven’t heard about that campaign, " Marissa said
curiously.
"No you wouldn’t have, it happened thirteen years ago. I
wasn’t even part of the Hawks back then, although the band was called The
Fist and captained by a man named Daras. Corrin told me about it once.
Sunhawk was second in command back then. Daras was basically tricked like
Sunhawk.
Daras was very much like Sunhawk from what I understand;
he was very picky about what jobs The Fist took and never took ones
involving wholesale slaughters. The employer forgot to mention the fact
they would be killing the entire population of a city. Daras, like
Sunhawk, couldn’t back out because of the guild contract they signed. They
would have forfeited not only the pay for the campaign but would have been
barred from the guild for one year. So Daras ordered the city cleared."
Kelas explained, sighing.
"So what happened, don’t leave me
hanging," Marissa asked.
"Sunhawk followed orders, but in the end
he went berserk. When there was no one left to kill he started attacking
members of the Fist. Luckily Daras was near by at the time. He knocked
Sunhawk’s victim out of the way and fought Sunhawk. He was able to disarm
Sunhawk by breaking his arm."
Marissa whistled in appreciation.
"This Daras must have been amazing. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone
put down the captain."
"Yeah, from what I can tell Daras was
amazing; not only that Daras and Sunhawk were close. He stayed with
Sunhawk that night apparently until Sunhawk regained his senses. Something
inside Sunhawk can’t bear to kill the defenseless, but he can’t betray his
band either. He just seems to lose it whenever this sort of conflict
happens." Kelas mused.
"There is also something else to consider
Kelas, and that is Shadow. After a battle, if I pushed Garth away, do you
honestly think he would just leave? There are all those emotions built up
inside, you have killed and almost been killed. There is almost an
instinctual need to reproduce, to negate death if you will. After every
battle it doesn’t take Garth and me long to find each other. Sunhawk has
to feel that too, and that might be the reason he came back here.
Shadow, on the other hand, has no idea about that kind of feeling.
Not only that, everyone including Sunhawk himself have been trying to
steer him away from looking at who Sunhawk really is in battle. Everyone
thinks to protect and shelter the boy, but in the end if he can’t accept
that part of Sunhawk, truly accept the cold blooded killer, then this
thing is going to happen over and over again.," Marissa said
quietly.
"I don’t know that he can, Marissa. Even I have problems
sometimes accepting Sunhawk during campaigns. I mean, he is totally
focused on battle plans and then after there is a cruelty that sometimes
shocks me. The fact that he can only vaguely remember it has worried me,
since I truly became friends with him. Corrin was the one that pointed out
that if Sunhawk could remember what he did he wouldn’t be able to be a
mercenary any longer, or he would become like Casper.
Shadow not
only is a healer who can’t even kill another, but also a priest. Not any
priest either, a priest of Mith. I am not sure he can ever really accept
Sunhawk," Kelas said, looking down at the floor in concentration.
"I don’t know Kelas, but I think in the end there is very little
we can do except be there and listen. I have a feeling if we try to
interfere with this we will only make matters worse. Both of those men are
unique, and to tell you the truth I really don’t understand either one of
them," Marissa said standing up.
"That makes two of us. That is
what Corrin told me as well, not to interfere," Kelas said.
"Well
let’s go back to your tent. You can sleep and I will watch Shadow. I think
it might be a good idea for a woman instead of a man being there when he
wakes up," Marissa said, holding out her hand to help Kelas up.
"I
never thought about it, but you might be right," Kelas said as they both
headed for the door.
They both remained quiet as they slowly
walked back to the tent. The expression in both of their faces kept people
from stopping them. When they reached the tent Marissa walked in to stop
abruptly, and Kelas ran into her muscled back in surprise.
"He’s
gone," Marissa gasped in shock, whirling around to face Kelas with horror
in her face.
Shadow opened his eyes
as the last fragments of the dream of his mother floated in his mind.
Sitting up, he looked around confused as he realized he was in Kelas’s
tent. Blinking, his mind slowly recalled the events of the previous night,
as he brought his knees up close to him and wrapped his arms around them,
trembling. Closing his eyes he tried to calm himself, but the image of
Sunhawk’s golden dead eyes appeared before him.
Getting up
unsteadily Shadow looked down at his too large clothes that were obviously
Kelas’s. He realized that Kelas must have cleaned him up and put him in
his bed, although how Kelas knew what had happened was a mystery, along
with where the healer was now. Grateful that Kelas wasn’t there Shadow
walked out of the tent. As he walked through the camp he heard calls from
some of the Hawks’s soldiers, which he ignored. He made it to the picket
line where his gray mount was. He quickly saddled him, hoping to avoid any
attention. Before long he was mounted and headed off at a trot. Shadow
passed the sentries with a nod and followed the river for a mile before
dismounting and tying off his mount.
Shadow settled down next to
the small river, thinking. His emotions were in turmoil and he knew that
if he wanted to clear his mind and call for Mith’s help he would have to
face what was bothering him. More than anything else he felt he needed his
Goddess’s help. He didn’t know what to do or who to turn too. In one night
his world had drastically changed. It wasn’t the brutal, uncaring sex from
Sunhawk that had thrown Shadow into doubt, but the look in his eyes. For
the first time since he meet Sunhawk he had truly come face to face with
the warrior that everyone had warned him about.
Shadow closed his
eyes, breathing deeply. He flinched from the images of the previous night
that swarmed before his closed eyes, but didn’t open his eyes. He tried to
face them, even though he trembled slightly. Shadow knew that he would
never be able to focus enough to enter a meditative state to call upon his
Goddess, so he sent out a plea for help. He hoped that Mith would hear his
plea despite the fact that he could not focus his mind like he usually
did.
Shadow waited as the minutes passed by, alone with his
thoughts and his silent pleas. He didn’t know what to do. He loved
Sunhawk, there was no question of it in his mind despite what had
happened, but he didn’t want to ever see the cold hard man he’d seen the
night before. Shadow couldn’t believe that the Sunhawk he knew could just
totally disappear. He felt tears flow down his face as he remembered the
look in Sunhawk’s eyes as he had grabbed Shadow.
Suddenly Shadow
felt a warm, red light surround him. He felt a gentle love and acceptance
filling him as he felt the presence of the goddess Mith. For a while he
just sat very still and cried softly. Eventually he asked Mith for help to
understand what had happened, to help him piece together his life
again.
The complex emotions he felt from his goddess surprised him.
Her sadness, love and caring Shadow understood, but it puzzled him that
she was disappointed not in Sunhawk but Shadow himself. Suddenly he felt
himself plunged into darkness, only to see two
Sunhawks standing
before him. One was the Sunhawk he had fallen in love with. The deep
golden eyes and smile that softened his harsh features, and a bright
intelligent aura that drew Shadow to him. The other Sunhawk was the
monster from the night before, warmth drained away from his cold hard
eyes.. His face harsh, a deep frown and furrows on his forehead
emphasizing the scar on his face. His aura totally dead and
cold.
Shadow watched as the two images merged into one and looked
at Shadow. The young priest frowned, trying to understand the imagery in
front of him. He felt Mith patiently waiting as he struggled to find the
answer. Tentatively he began to understand that both Sunhawks were real
and part of each other. It began to dawn on Shadow that Mith’s disapproval
came from the fact that Shadow had not truly tried to accept the second
Sunhawk. He had let the others steer him away from the colder man, and
since they had started the campaign Shadow had somewhat resented and
worried that Sunhawk didn’t need him anymore.
Shadow felt a thought
enter his mind that was not his own. Shadow had responded to Sunhawk in
fear, what would have happened if he had responded with love, with
acceptance? Shadow was stunned by the question, one that he would have
never have thought to ask himself. If he had accepted the warrior, the
killer, he wouldn’t have been afraid of the man that entered the tent the
night before. Shadow knew that, he didn’t even have to question it. If he
had truly loved Sunhawk he shouldn’t have been afraid of him. Mith cared
nothing for whether Sunhawk was good or bad, for Shadow had chosen
Sunhawk, not Mith. It was Shadow who needed to accept Sunhawk, not his
Goddess.
Suddenly Shadow felt another type of pain seep into him.
One that was born of not being a good lover to Sunhawk. He felt he was to
blame for what had happened the night before. Once again he felt Mith
surround him, and with her a type of peace.
"You are not to blame
for the violence done upon you, my young one. Yet, right or wrong, Sunhawk
is who he is, born of Argoth he will always be this way. You must choose
to accept him fully or leave, otherwise you both will continue to hurt one
another until you destroy everything about yourself. Your path is yours to
decide not mine, my beloved priest," Mith’s gentle voice seeped through
him as he felt her presence vanish.
Sitting in the soft grass he
listened to the babbling of the river. Mith had brought about an
understanding, but not a solution. He wondered if he really could accept
the other Sunhawk. He wondered if his reaction last night had been born of
surprise or a true fear that couldn’t be overcome. He knew one thing: that
he needed to talk to Sunhawk.
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